A Love Letter to Cub Fans

Okay, I’m a Cardinals fan. I’m not a die-hard, paint-your-face, fifth generation season ticket holder fanatic, but I’ve been a fan since the 70’s, enjoy the occasional televised game, and root root root for my current favorite player Phat Albert Pujols. Sadly, my dad was a tried and true Cubs fan, but luckily he wasn’t able to convert me.

So this letter is to those Cub fans who’ve endured heartache and disappointment season after season. Why not consider becoming a Cardinal fan? I mean, what are your Cub fan friends gonna say: hey, stay with a winner?

Here are some reasons long suffering Cub fans ought to consider a change.

Team Name: Well, I was never big on pro teams named after baby animals, so I think the Cardinals have a leg up. Though, to be fair, a Cardinal isn’t exactly thrilling. Then again, it’s better than being called a (pick your color) Sox, a Padre, or fearsome Twins.

Colors/Logo: Well, I’m willing to call color a dead heat, with Cardinal red even with Cub blue. But if you’re a fan of Jacksonville High School sports, being a Crimson makes the transition to Cardinal fan easier if you can’t afford a t-shirt right away.

As for the logo, well, that majestic C for Cubs (or is it for Chokers?) takes my breath away just a little less than a Cardinal perched on a bat.

Stadiums: Well, I can’t compare the two stadiums because I haven’t been to either. The last Card game I attended was in the old Busch stadium, and Wrigley Field is on my places to see list right after Mike Tyson’s old underwear drawer. Yeah yeah, I know all about the grand tradition of Wrigley. Call me crazy but I still admire Ferris Bueller for using part of his ditch day catching a Cub game, so I guess I’ll give the ivy covered walls their due over the new Busch. Never mind.

Players: Okay, both teams have some great players. The Cubs feature Alphonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez, Carlos Zambrano, Geovany Soto…hmmmm, I’m wondering if a call to immigration wouldn’t be in order? Couldn’t hurt, I guess. And I know what you Cub fans are thinking: I rat out your Latin American players, but what about Albert Pujols? Well, if you’d bothered to do some research like I have, you’d know Albert Pujols was born in Winchester under the name David Foster. He just changed it because, uh, his great-grandmother begged him to with her dying breath. So there.

Mascot: Do the Cubs even have one? The Cards have Redbird the Redbird. ‘Nuff said.

Winning Tradition: Do we even need to get into this embarrassing subject? The Cubs last won a championship when Samson had a ponytail. And I know losing; I’m a Los Angeles Clipper fan. They’re listed right after the Cubs, Detroit Lions, and Jennifer Aniston when you look up "losing" in Webster’s. Sure the Cubs look like they’ve got a great team on paper, but you don’t really expect them to win, do you? If so, I have a bag of magic beans here I’m willing to trade for the money you were going to plunk down to reserve 2009 World Series tickets.

Okay, I knew there would be no reasoning with you Cub fans. Honestly, we Cardinal fans don’t want to convert you. We prefer to continue to watch your hair yanking melt downs as the hope for a championship fades. Post season brings infamous fan interference, or your line-up decides that the baseball is actually an endangered species, and refuse to hit it.

Good luck in the upcoming season baby bear lovers. If the Red Sox can will a world championship, so can you.

Yeah right.